


What if, What if

by Skysquid22



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Barisi Gift Exchange 2018, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gunshot Wounds, Hospitals, I've written 20 fics and I still have no idea how to tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 04:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17073179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skysquid22/pseuds/Skysquid22
Summary: Instead he was staring directly at Carisi. Half lidded eyes with no spark behind them, lips parted slightly attempting to circulate air in a collapsing body, and a few scratches on the side of his face from when he fell onto the concrete. The image seared into Carisi’s memory in an instant and he was hit with a sudden and powerful wave of emotion to kiss him.-Barba is shot and Carisi worries.





	What if, What if

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rafaelbaseball](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafaelbaseball/gifts).



> Prompt: Protective Sonny, Barba hurt with emphasis on comfort is my jam  
> Alternative Prompt: Domestic Barisi, the tooth-rotting fluff kind, body worship is always nice
> 
> I kinda combined the two!
> 
> Special thanks to @barbaesparza who beta'd for this and is a sweetheart.

Two messy shots ring out, terrifying reporters into fleeing like pigeons. 

Normally this type of event would be routine. Journalists would pile on the steps getting as close as they could to their ADA just to get one soundbite. The only thing separating the two were the courthouse guards and the team at SVU. 

At the head of the circle was Carisi, who even in a situation as boring as this still gaged the crowd for any suspicious activity. It had happened once before, it would most likely happen again. Which, honestly, had to be one of the more depressing parts of his job. 

But before the gun went off Sonny managed to see the metallic glint coming from a revolver far back in the crowd. Though it was impossible to tell if the gunshot or Carisi’s yell of ‘get down’ was heard first. He bolted down the steps, eyes settling on the attacker and his escape through the crowd. In the midst the chaos it was harder to track him, but he didn’t go to all those extra classes he took after the first _incident_ for nothing. 

Weaving his way through the crowd he finally caught up to the man and tackled him. He could thank his father's insistence on playing football as a child for that. In a few quick motions Carisi slammed his hand down on the gun and slid it with enough force that it bounced on the concrete. Knee placed firmly on the guy’s back in another second he already had the attacker in cuffs. He was shouting something as Sonny handed him off to the cops that followed him, but he refused to listen.

His focus was elsewhere. 

By now the protective circle was much larger. The courthouse cops were focus on keeping the surrounding area clear of any pedestrians. At the epicenter Sonny rushed in to find Barba on his side clutching his arm. Which, was stained red. Blood darkened his suit and painted the hand clutching the wound cherry. The stone beneath him became wet with a dark maroon. Minutely he wondered how you could get blood off of pavement. A lot of cleaner probably. 

At his back was Benson. She hovered over him like a blanket, one arm grabbing at the uninjured arm the other collapsing around her phone. Carisi rounded to the other side and kneeled down, sacrificing his dress pants to a similar state as Barba’s. At least here they could share something out of this happenstance. It felt like a weird fucked up form of empathy. _Here, see? I too am bloodied up. Do you feel better?_

It was at that point when Carisi realized that he may have not been taking the situation well. 

Olivia ended her call, which Sonny pinned as 911. She settled even closer to Rafael now only resulting to squeezing his shoulder and telling him to, “Keep calm Rafa, the ambulance is going to be here in less than a minute. Hang on.”

Barba wasn’t looking at her panicked face. 

Instead he was staring directly at Carisi. Half lidded eyes with no spark behind them, lips parted slightly attempting to circulate air in a collapsing body, and a few scratches on the side of his face from when he fell onto the concrete. The image seared into Carisi’s memory in an instant and he was hit with a sudden and powerful wave of emotion to kiss him. 

Rafael was looking like death and for all Sonny knew that was on the horizon. He pitched forward and saw the corner of his mouth uptick slightly in a smirk. Even when he was dazed and bleeding out on the pavement Barba could still tease Carisi for being eager. 

Before he could get far two gloved hands grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him off. He shouted out in protest but it was only the EMTs who were spouting off information to each other like a well oiled machine. A moment later they got him a stretcher which seemingly appeared out of nowhere and into an ambulance. Olivia followed them, answering questions, leaving Carisi with a squeeze of his shoulder. It was starting to become a theme.

The flurry of activity left Sonny stooped on the courthouse steps with a bloodied pair of pants and a confusing half memory of whatever the hell just transpired. 

Behind him the last dregs of sunshine passed over the skyscrapers, signifying a calm sunset.

\---

The fact that they were waiting in the same hospital that Dodds died at doesn’t escape them. The thought lingers like a ghost, it was like everytime she turned a corner she would remember Olivia’s ashen face. Corridors became arduous to cross. 

Rollins found Carisi sitting alone in an antechamber. 

He sat in one of the mint green plastic chairs lining the wall, bouncing his foot. His hands covered his mouth like he had to prevent himself from saying something wrong. He stared wide-eyed into the distance, seemingly looking through a poster about dealing with grief on the opposite wall. 

Amanda approached lightly, making herself heard but not so much to frighten him. She hated the fact that she had to treat him like a victim. And while he certainly wasn’t shot, the emotional shock alone of seeing someone you care for go down in a bloody spray was enough to render anyone in this state. Rollins just wished that it didn’t feel like she was faking being empathetic.

Leaning down slightly she brought a water bottle into his view, “I would’ve got you some chips but they were restocking the machines. I can bring you some later?”

In lieu of replying he stared at the condensation dripping off the bottle. Mechanically he grabbed it and got up. The room wasn’t big enough for a proper sulk or pacing session but that didn’t stop Carisi from doing so. He made a steady half arc around the room and downed half the water bottle in one drink. 

Slightly terrified at a silent Carisi, Amanda gauged her options. 

For one, she was glad that she didn’t give him coffee. It was already late and if Sonny was gonna get any sleep tonight it was gonna be a crash in exhaustion. By now, Barba should be getting out of surgery soon and based on the way Carisi was careening around the room he had his sights set on Rafael.

“Sonny.”

He continued to pace. 

It was pretty clear he was worrying himself into a pit of despair over their ADA. She should’ve figured that the two were a bit too friendly for being _just_ coworkers. Amanda had spent a total of twenty minutes in the presence of Carisi after the shooting and all of it so far was spent listening to him scuff his shoes on the linoleum. Paired with the wild look in his eye not only was he a tad traumatized he seemed emotionally and personally invested. Even Olivia had to take off soon as it was out of her hands to see Noah. And Amanda the same. Carisi had his insane complex comfort of his entire family at his disposal, yet he stayed with Barba. 

Rafael was probably the person in his life that would keep give comfort, each one of them had someone to love. Olivia with Noah. Herself with Jessie. Hell, even Fin had his grandson to look out for. 

Sonny had Barba. And it seemed Barba had Sonny based on the fleeting interactions she caught with the pair. 

“I know you love him and want to make sure he’s okay, but Carisi.” She shook her head. “There’s nothing you can do at the moment. Visitor hours ended and they don’t open up till nine.”

He stopped, inertia made him waver, but that had nothing to do with how his shoulders quivered. Back towards Rollins he stood there in silence. 

“I’m sure Barba wouldn’t want you to worry yourself sick. I don’t think he’ll appreciate you losing so much sleep. He’d want you to get some rest, yeah?” It was a bit of a gamble to say ‘love’, but it did seem that Sonny was finally listening so the gambit paid off. Still, it was a bit presumptuous to assume. Hopefully it wouldn’t come back to bite her.

After a few moments he still refused to respond, but Amanda waited. Sure enough he gave a shuddering breath and whispered, “Okay.” 

“Okay?”

He turned back his head. His eyes looked glossy and just a little bit lifeless. “Okay. I need… I need to go home and prepare for when he gets back.”

Well that was one mystery solved. But new doors just opened. She was a trained detective after all, it’d be disappointing if she _didn’t_ have questions. _How long have you two been together? How come you’ve never told me you two are living together? Or in a relationship in the first place? How is he in bed?_

All valid questions. None of which were getting an answer tonight. Quietly she filed the questionnaire away for later use. Right now she had to lead Carisi home. He was still standing there in the middle of the room looking at some minute detail on the ugly as sin plastic chairs. Grief and trauma did funny things to people. 

Even simple actions like going home seemed daunting. 

“Come on.” She tugged on the cuff of his stained shirt. “I’ll take you home.”

\---

It was staggering how people could lose their minds over something so little. 

Well maybe being gunned down in front of your coworkers and boyfriend wasn’t ‘so little’. 

The bullet ate its way through muscle and clipped an artery. For it’s trouble, Barba was subjected to ten days in the hospital and two weeks in recovery time at home. On top of that was a few months of physical therapy. 

He thumped his head against the couch cushion, a recurring action that did nothing more than signal his displeasure. Somehow, the situation felt worse than getting suspended without pay. At least then he could’ve done _something,_ like go visit and help his mother, but now he was stuck in purgatory. Unable to move and living with a dotting boyfriend who never heard of the word ‘tranquility’. 

Barba glanced at his watch. Said dotting boyfriend was taking sporadic shifts, leaving him to die of boredom at random intervals. He had to admit that the few hours that Olivia couldn’t spare him seemed nearly too good to be true. 

Rafael loved Sonny, he truly did. 

But he was acting more protective than a helicopter parent. 

Five days after being released from the hospital and he’d already considered rereading _Misery_ by Stephen King but also figured that would be too mean. 

It wasn’t like he lost the function of his legs, just an arm for a bit. Barba was expecting nervous and sweet Carisi who would downplay his injury a bit in an attempt to laugh off his anxiety. The snarky side with a heart of gold who would spoil him with foods to cheer him up from the fact he couldn’t work. Yes, he expected a little protectiveness. 

Emphasis on a little. 

Instead what he got was a pain in the ass who refused to get him the massively unhealthy comfort food he had cherished since he was a child. That cuban diner in the Bronx might not serve the healthiest food in New York, but it sure as hell made him feel better eating it. Carisi instead opted to make quick dishes since most of the time he was at work. Which meant that Rafael was subjected to Mrs. Carisi’s healthy carrot and celery soup for nearly every meal. 

Irritated constantly from having to work most of the time and care for Barba it led to its natural conclusion. Death of a man’s sense of humor. 

Rafael decided to bite the bullet. Or rather have one slice through his arm. 

He called Liv earlier, mid way through the day, and politely asked her to return his detective so he could talk to him. As the conversation weaned, Olivia ended up giving Carisi the next full week as time off to, _“Sort out his priorities.”_ With a heads up that he would be on call she continued to support Barba’s idea of talking to him.

_“I’m not saying you should give him an intervention or anything. I just think that he needs to spend more time with you. He’s been agitated ever since the shooting, make sure he gets better. The same for you Rafa. Don’t hurt yourself from stewing all day, that can’t be healthy.”_

Now, he waited.

After ten more minutes of playing sudoku and resisting the urge to scratch his stitches the door to their apartment unlocked. 

He pushed through like the wind was in his sails and in typical Sonny Carisi fashion he caught the door just before it slammed into the frame. He sighed, turned, and glared at Barba.

“What the hell Raf?”

“Hello to you too.” He tossed his puzzle book down on the coffee table.

“Why the hell did you go behind my back like that? I don’t need you to pull me out like that, you could’ve just texted me if you needed anything.” Carisi shed his coat, placed it on the rack, and began to roll up his sleeves. “Instead you went to my _boss_ \--and I know she’s your friend, but that doesn’t give you the right to dictate my whole work schedule--you went to my boss and you told her to give me an entire week off? Barbs, I can’t do that.” During his rant he paced into the kitchen and started to move things around. At least, that’s what Rafael thought he was doing, there wasn’t really any good way to see from his position on the couch, not without hurting his neck. There was a pause and a sigh, then, “Do you want any more of my mom’s soup?”

Barba couldn’t help it. He laughed. It was just way too quick of a turnaround. From pissy brooding to casual caring. “No thank you. Just your attention for a moment.”

Quietly, Carisi padded back into the living room and stood opposite from him. Rolling his eyes Rafael patted the spot on the couch right next to his own. Sonny hung his head and looked at him through hooded eyes, stalking like a cat he circled around to the seat and plopped down. Patiently, he waited.

As if to blunt his response Rafael, with his good arm, grabbed the closest hand he could reach and patted it. He felt like he was telling a child that their dog just died. Not one to beat around the bush however he jumped in, “Look. I love you a lot. But Sonny you need to relax.”

Almost on cue, Carisi let out a breath and tried to interject. 

Barba didn’t let him get the first syllable out. “Sonny, I’m fine. I know you feel the need to bury your fears in your work, but you can’t just let it bottle up. I’m here, okay?” Carisi couldn’t meet his eyes, so he tried to lean into his line of sight, “I’m healthy thanks to your efforts and you’ve made sure I’m on track to finish physical therapy as soon as possible. But it’s too taxing for you to manage me _and_ your work. I want you to relax, I’m safe.” Rafael squeezed his hand, “And I know you’re gonna keep me safe, but Sonny you can’t sacrifice yourself to do that. I won’t let that happen.”

After a few beats he continued to say nothing. 

Then, timid like a deer, he got a small squeeze back. But Carisi’s eyes still couldn’t meet Barba’s own. Licking his lips he began, without interruption, “It’s just. This whole situation has made me realize that losing you is a lot more likely than I thought.” The grip on his hand got tighter, “I keep wondering what would’ve happened if the bastard was just a little closer or a little bit to the left. Would the outcome be the same? Or maybe you could’ve gotten shot in the heart.” The grip was now punishing, “I want to care for you so bad, but at the same time I want to run and hide. Leaving, soon as things get tough,” He huffed a laugh. “I’m disappointed in myself.” 

He rubbed his open hand over his face, “But. I will put them aside. I love you more than my urge to drown in work or my apparent need to get lost in my own head. I’m sorry.”

Even though Rafael was down an arm, that didn’t mean he couldn’t give a hug. Tearing away from his palm, he swooped his hand around Carisi’s neck and _pulled._ He went willingly into Rafael’s chest and collarbone and breathed deeply at the familiar scent. The one hand keeping Sonny in place traced an imaginary line from his neck, to his shoulders, to his arm, to his back, and made the cycle again. 

“Gotta focus on the now Sonny. Not the what ifs and could’ve beens.”

Internally Barba smacked himself for sounding like a sappy drunk poet, must be all the painkillers that are doing wonders for him. 

Carisi sighed against his chest, “Heh. You sound so sappy right now. Those painkillers must _really_ be good.” Rafael stopped in his cycle at his arm and gave a small pinch. That same old laugh and smile that made him fall for Sonny appeared again as he jumped away. 

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”

Rafael smiled back, “Hey, it’s okay. You got a week to be with me all the time. I’ve been lonely without you, but I’ll admit you’ve been motherhenning me a bit too much whenever you are here. So. Cut that out?” 

Sonny held up three fingers in a mock boy scouts salute, “I promise to make sure you don’t go insane from boredom or from me being over protective.”

“Thank you.” He grinned.

Settling his hands back down on his knees Carisi sighs, “Look, I’ll even start now. How about an actual meal now that I have the time instead of soup?”

Sweeter words had never been spoken.

**Author's Note:**

> Personally I got a soft spot for Sonny calling Barba, 'Barbs'. Also I'm sorry if it's odd or out of character. It's been months since I last wrote Barisi, but this ship will never leave me lol. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
